Please excuse my abominable writing. This is mainly for me.
On various (and completely random) occasions during my childhood, a strange collection of thoughts would occur to me all at once.
"The universe is mind-bogglingly huge.
The earth is extremely big.
There are so many people on Earth.
I am so insignificant. My existence really is meaningless."
Every once in a while this bundle of thoughts would attack me. However, seeing as I was only a child (this happened mainly preschool to age 10); I really did not understand it. These ideas would just float around in my brain for a few minutes, temporarily disabling my ability to do anything but exist. Like I said, I didn't understand this at all (come to think of it, it was more of a temporary realization than it was a feeling, but for now I’ll just call it a feeling). I did realize that I didn't like the feeling, and yet sometimes I yearned for it. I still do. Now, more than ever, I would love to just dismiss my existence as being utterly worthless (and I know deep down that it's true), but for some reason my mind will not let me at the moment (more like the past 6 years). I want that feeling back. Desperately. [[Note to anyone reading this (why the hell are you reading this??): I do not believe that I am putting myself down. I am merely stating what I know is true, and in a weird way I feel good about it. I don't matter. :)]]