January 5th, 2004


They laughed when I accused my parents and I killed them...

...let's see if they'll be laughing now.

[In the rambling that follows, I am not talking about my close personal friends from school. Rather, the "acquaintances"]
Why do I hate people so much? I went back to school today, and I suddenly had all this anger inside, directed at the majority of my peers.
And that's stupid! I mean, most of the people I go to school with seem fairly decent. I know it's my own fault....being so bitter about the fact that they're all friends and I'm too fucking shy to speak unless spoken to in so many social situations. It's so weird...it's like, when I'm pushed to go up and present something to a room full of people, I have no problem with it and usually stay calm and focused. But god forbid I should ever volunteer for something like that.... I just have so much trouble making the first move. Am I afraid of potentially making myself look like a jackass? Yes and no...
I do but I don't. I suppose I do care whether or not I seem stupid to people in general, but then I don't. When I'm with my friends, I can make a complete and total fool of myself in front of nearly anyone and then feel little or no remorse over my actions when I look back on it. So...why can't I do it on my own? What? Who?


Last night I couldn't get to sleep until 1 or 2. I started crying about heaven and psychiatrists.
Why cry over the plight of angels and doctors?
Because I'm fuckin' stupid, that's why.
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