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I just want to get this written down so that I don't forget.
Please excuse my abominable writing. This is mainly for me.


On various (and completely random) occasions during my childhood, a strange collection of thoughts would occur to me all at once.
"The universe is mind-bogglingly huge.
The earth is extremely big.
There are so many people on Earth.
I am so insignificant. My existence really is meaningless."
Every once in a while this bundle of thoughts would attack me. However, seeing as I was only a child (this happened mainly preschool to age 10); I really did not understand it. These ideas would just float around in my brain for a few minutes, temporarily disabling my ability to do anything but exist. Like I said, I didn't understand this at all (come to think of it, it was more of a temporary realization than it was a feeling, but for now I’ll just call it a feeling). I did realize that I didn't like the feeling, and yet sometimes I yearned for it. I still do. Now, more than ever, I would love to just dismiss my existence as being utterly worthless (and I know deep down that it's true), but for some reason my mind will not let me at the moment (more like the past 6 years). I want that feeling back. Desperately. [[Note to anyone reading this (why the hell are you reading this??): I do not believe that I am putting myself down. I am merely stating what I know is true, and in a weird way I feel good about it. I don't matter. :)]]

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
nyakototo
Oct. 14th, 2003 02:13 am (UTC)
whoa...
um, I know you strictly stated to ignore but drat, you know, the curiosity is beyond me and oh my... I love these sort of thoughts. Deep! And you know why I am responding? Because I needed that. You subconsciously reached out without meaning to. I hope you don't mind me responding but the way I feel right now, I needed that. It's something-like advice that just... felt right to read. Thanks Roxie-ham!!!
metatronis
Oct. 14th, 2003 02:34 am (UTC)
Re: whoa...
Aw, I don't mind you responding at all! I was just kinda warning people that it probably wouldn't make much sense and stuff and yeah. Thank you so much for your response though. I'm actually glad that somebody did. XD
fiddle_witch
Sep. 17th, 2006 08:17 am (UTC)
I thought about the last one a lot, well thought about it, more like think. I am always thinking how can I live so small under such a big sky?

When I was little I thought that I just needed to find the thing that I did better then anyone else. I know now that that is not the way things work and that your job merely reflects your interest and your background. That is how I dealt with that feeling though, and now I do not know how to.

I am glad that you find meaning in your life and existance, I certainly do.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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